Frozen Fingers

I want to write, but my fingers are freezing! I have my green plaid blankie tucked around me, but having my fingers flying across the keys (well, and the fan blowing on the computer to aid the CPU fan) is keeping them from warming up. It isn't bad enough that my brain freezes up when I sit down to my computer to write; now I have to deal with frigid fingers, too. It doesn't help that this is the draftiest room in the house, without the added fan!

I'm enjoying Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones, although I'm glad it's written in small bites (1-2 page chapters) because I can only handle so much Zen philosophy before I feel like my head is melting and I have to put the book down. I read her books like I eat fish, pulling out the tasty meat--and there is lots of it, on the topic of writing specifically--and tossing out the Eastern religion bones (irony in the term duly noted).

Right now I'm reading about allowing freedom in wording, using descriptively specific verbs, and just freeing the mind to throw out onto the page whatever wants to show itself. I've done stream-of-consciousness writing before and I have to say I've always loved the exercise. I particularly love going back later and re-reading things I don't remember writing. It's a bit like uncovering a mystery I wrote myself.

Sadness

I feel almost gripped by a heavy sadness today. I wonder if this is characteristic of menopause, or if it's just situations in my life right now. I'm taking EPO, but I will probably start taking it more regularly. I don't like this feeling. I know there are other reasons for it, though, some of which I don't feel like I can openly share in a public forum.

The good news:
Being back on the Thin Within program is going really well. It's Day 23 today. The book goes through 30 days, but the lifestyle doesn't end. I'm feeling really good about it, though, and I'm seeing tangible positive changes in my health and state of mind.

We said goodbye to T-Mobile yesterday. THANK YOU, GOD. We're back with Verizon, and LOVE IT. Steve, Rosie, and I got pretty cool phones that ended up being free. Mattie didn't get to upgrade his phone, but we're happy to all be back on Verizon together. Bless Mattie, he never complains about anything or asks for anything. Hopefully his old phone will hold out until he's up for an upgrade.

I love my kids so much. Thank you, God, for the amazing people they are.

Dancing Elle, and Other Interesting Things

Rosie performed with her dance team and studio at a local family festival this morning and had an amazing performance. It was her first time dancing as "Elle" in "Legally Blonde", and she was awesome. I cried. Actually, I cried again, since I had already shed a good number of tears while watching her and her two friends lead the adaptive dancers in "I Hope You Dance". Wow.

I'm in the middle of a huge photo upload right now. Nine albums (one for each dance, plus one for pre/post-performance). Four down, five to go.

My hormones are sucky the past couple of days. I shouldn't complain, considering it could be a lot worse at my age. Speaking of my age, I can't believe I'm going to be 47 next month. Makes me shudder. When did I get this old?

Heavy

Since last night I've been feeling a deep heaviness that I can't shake. Ironic, since for the first time in about five years I'm actually losing weight. It's deep, though, down in the depths of my heart. I wish I could explain it better. Maybe it's just shifting hormones. I hope so.

I broke my favorite coffee cup today. Of course I did.

Grappling

It isn't always easy grappling with the way other people behave. Steve and I were talking on our walk last night about how sometimes we have these "Allie McBeal" moments where we wish we could say what's really on our minds rather than the politically correct, polite, gentle, socially acceptable expectation. I know it's best to be quiet when my soul is railing against its bounds, but it isn't always easy. I'm praying extra hard right now for strength to keep myself in check.

More of Him, Less of Me

I've been blogging daily at More of Him, Less of Me. If anyone is interested in reading how God is growing me through some pretty interesting things, I invite you to check it out. It's actually fun becoming the real me again.

When Thoughts Flee

One thing that seriously vexes me is the way I can be out and about, doing life wherever, and I can think of a gazillion things to write about. The wording floats through my mind in nearly poetic form. I even think about sitting down to write about it, and it's just gone. Makes me crazy.

I was in Bath and Body Works once with my mother (I believe it was actually the last time we shopped together at the mall before she died) and came across an aromatherapy scent called "Breathe". Now, I normally don't like aromatherapy scents at all (no, seriously--they just plain stink!), but this one...well, this one reminded me of my childhood. I can't exactly explain why or how, but it did. Something like our school cafeteria (back when school lunches were actually pretty good) and the hallways in fourth grade heading to Mrs. Mills' classroom, mixed with a hundred or more other tiny scents of memory that awakened the nostalgia senses with a force that hit me rather unexpectedly. I wavered for a moment, but Mama (as was common with her) bought a small bottle of it for me.

I can't remember how many times I have used it for a memory nudge in blogging or life-story writing, and ironically I've even found it works with a measure of regularity for other people. It must just be one of those scents that hints of individual memories, making it a lovely tool for writers everywhere. Anyway, this isn't an ad for Bath and Body Works so much as a musing about how helpful that particular lotion was for piquing nostalgia and helping to unlock whatever it is that slams shut the moment I sit down to write. Maybe this would be a good time to dig out that lotion.

I've only had rare times in my life when I actually was afraid to write. I guess it's because I've never been threatened because of my writing before. Yes, as in threatened with a libel/slander lawsuit. And the worst part is that I haven't even written anything deserving of the accusations. The real problem isn't with me, but my family and I have certainly suffered regardless.

It's funny how I always seem to get into a blogging mood right about the time I have an article due to HBTM. Maybe it's my way of gearing up to writing the article. I've been thinking lately that I don't write enough in general; I think writing just for the sake of pushing words out can be a good thing, good practice like Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg encourage.

Deleted some stuff. It's hard to be myself when I'm not sure how transparent it's okay to be.

Processing

I've been dealing with/processing/grappling with some anger lately. The odd thing is that it's coming from different angles. Different topics. I'm praying through it, but at times it's really hard. What's really challenging is being angry at people you can't tell how angry you are--or even that you are angry at all. That's when it's really tough...when you just have to keep it all inside and smile on the outside like nothing is bothering you.

Being on the edge of perimenopause isn't helping, either. I'm grateful that I don't have the heavier symptoms of menopause yet; this anger/emotional upheaval thing is hard enough.

I just remembered I have an article due in a few days. Need to get busy on it so I'm not late. My editor is an angel and never complains, which makes me want all the more to be on time.